Mind --> Suffering

I don't feel like I'm going to make it. Instead of it getting easier, every day this week has been harder to wake up to than the one that came before. Breathing is a task. I don't hunger... I don't thirst. I've lost 6 lbs in 6 days. My heart is in tatters and I'm trying to pretend like I'm okay. I want him to believe that I'm doing well so our friendship doesn't wither and die. I don't want to lie but telling the truth has gotten me down the road to no return. I still can't find it in myself to accept what really is... I just don't want to believe that I'll never kiss his sweet forehead again and yet keeping hope alive is killing me faster and faster with every passing hour.

The pain is insatiable. I continue to feed it and feed it and feed it some more but it always ends up with a bigger, more empty stomach than before. It's engulfing my entire being and I can't say no... because when I say "no", I feel like I'm saying "no" to the possibility of there ever being an "us" again. I need to come to terms with the fact that even if I let go of all hope, it doesn't mean that the possibility of a reunion is completely dashed from the universe... it just means that I stop torturing myself. I must stop. It needs to just stop. My mind must be silent on the matter.

Mind --> thinks a thought --> thought causes emotion --> emotion causes physical suffering.

The mind creates suffering. When I'm not thinking about all of this, I'm not writhing in pain. I need to find a way to turn my mind off, it's killing me. Literally.