Mind --> Suffering

I don't feel like I'm going to make it. Instead of it getting easier, every day this week has been harder to wake up to than the one that came before. Breathing is a task. I don't hunger... I don't thirst. I've lost 6 lbs in 6 days. My heart is in tatters and I'm trying to pretend like I'm okay. I want him to believe that I'm doing well so our friendship doesn't wither and die. I don't want to lie but telling the truth has gotten me down the road to no return. I still can't find it in myself to accept what really is... I just don't want to believe that I'll never kiss his sweet forehead again and yet keeping hope alive is killing me faster and faster with every passing hour.

The pain is insatiable. I continue to feed it and feed it and feed it some more but it always ends up with a bigger, more empty stomach than before. It's engulfing my entire being and I can't say no... because when I say "no", I feel like I'm saying "no" to the possibility of there ever being an "us" again. I need to come to terms with the fact that even if I let go of all hope, it doesn't mean that the possibility of a reunion is completely dashed from the universe... it just means that I stop torturing myself. I must stop. It needs to just stop. My mind must be silent on the matter.

Mind --> thinks a thought --> thought causes emotion --> emotion causes physical suffering.

The mind creates suffering. When I'm not thinking about all of this, I'm not writhing in pain. I need to find a way to turn my mind off, it's killing me. Literally.

The Ex Situation

Today I find myself somewhat confused on the situation between my ex and I and so I have decided to look to my cards to help me shed some light on the situation. Other factors are starting to jump in and I'm really not sure where I stand, what happened, what's going to happen, and in essence, what the final result will be. I'm going to use a horseshoe-shaped spread consisting of 7 cards.

The Past: Nine of Pentacles
The Nine of Pentacles signifies the loss of a valued friendship and that is what is (almost in its entirety) affecting the question and myself. I no longer have the freedom to see or call him whenever I feel like talking or someone to bounce my problems off of. Our friendship isn't entirely lost, but it is on the rocks which makes the entire situation very delicate.

The Immediate Present: Eight of Pentacles
The Eight of Pentacles signifies my current lack of ambition, vanity, and disillusionment. I'm finding it difficult to do things for myself and setting goals is almost tedious. I was successful last night in writing up a step-by-step plan to better myself but I'm going to really have to stick with it. The vanity section is pretty self-explanatory. I must embrace the more modest side of myself but not go so far as to discredit my attraction. As for the disillusionment, I'm probably fooling myself into thinking that things will work out again between us or that it will happen quicker than it really will.

The Immediate Future: Ten of Swords
The Ten of Swords can play in two different ways here. I will either continue to experience mental anguish in the near future or I will start to see improvements and a momentary gain in happiness. The choice is always up to me and whatever I choose will have lasting effects on the outcome of the situation. It's quite obvious that the healthiest thing to do is to strive to gain and to improve myself. I need to avoid depression, disappointment, and pain by not disillusioning myself as the Eight of Pentacles has warned me about.

Occupying My Mind: I The Magician
I am currently occupied with my ineptitude and insecurity as in line with the Magician. My weakness of will is really eating at me and the one thing I'm focusing with more strength on than anything else at this time is my self-control and building back my self-confidence.

Attitude of Others: Three of Staffs
Other people in my life see the situation as cut and dried while I go on in confusion. There are those who will try to help me with this, but I should beware of help offered from them as they may only make the situation worse.

Obstacle: II High Priestess
The High Priestess denotes what I need to overcome to resolve the situation. She says that I need to have wisdom and find some way to use sound judgment. I have to have common sense and be able to accept the relationship between my ex and I as platonic. I need to work on my self-reliance and to try and remain as emotionless as I can around him.

Final Outcome: Five of Cups
The Five of Cups is telling me that there will be a friendship without real meaning or a marriage without real love. There is nothing for me in this place anymore and I would do well to not regret what has happened.

The cards are telling me that I need to move on. There is no misreading because this is what I had already known to be true. If I continue to pine over him, I will get nothing more than the Five of Cups.

Okay, one moment here. I just looked down and realized that I hadn't flipped over the Five of Cups at all. It was the Ten of Cups which signifies home, joy, pleasure, peace, love, contentment, good family, honor, esteem, and virtue. Maybe what that meant was to let go of the way I'm doing things and that it will all turn out for the best... with happiness. That has never happened to me before, I must've wanted to read it as the Five of Cups.

Skunk and My Dog

It's a little difficult for me to focus on two animals in the same day and so I'm going to refrain from asking for two of them to come to me and instead welcome only one a day. This morning one of my dogs had the extreme misfortune of approaching a skunk at the wrong time and place and so the house is laden with her heavy stench. Listen to me, Skunk says.

Besides respect and attraction/deflection, Skunk also teaches how to be a pacifist, how to hold your ground, and how to remain calm in any situation. Innocence, silence, and peace.

Going Out

I had wanted to do a daily tarot spread to sort of get myself prepared for the day ahead and it has finally hit me upside the head that I cannot possibly use a daily spread. Why? Because I don't get out of the house. It's very hot this summer and I don't own a car so I prefer to stay in the house, waiting until early August to take my state exams for a job.

You can't learn or grow without interaction with the Earth. How can she ever teach you anything if you stay home from the proverbial school? If you spend your life stuffed up in a house or an apartment like I have, you are stunting your personal and spiritual growth. You need challenges to overcome and if the hardest one you're facing today is when you're going to do the dishes, you've become stagnant. Don't get me wrong, there's a place and time for relaxing in the comfort of your own space without intruders but if in relaxing you start to go into a coma, wake up now!

I am going to spend today preparing for tomorrow. NEVER DO THIS. Why am I doing it? Because I'm afraid and have become paranoid, which Weasel has warned me about over and over. However, there are a couple of events that have been set up for tomorrow which I must attend and if I'm going to be so stagnant today, I might as well prepare for tomorrow. Hopefully you have not gotten this far down the road of introversion and hermitage and can find a way to interact with the world and the people in it. Please do not let yourself get this bad... it is a heavy burden to carry and an even harder one to roll off one's back. It's completely doable, but there is that reluctance which tells us that we will be nothing without the burden and that it is our armor. Lies. Lies. Lies. Let go now. Find Weasel and ask for his medicine.

Quote from a Ryokan

I've already reflected on a couple of heart/love-related quotes and now is no exception.

"Keep your heart clear and transparent and you will never be bound." - Ryokan

The first question I want answered is "bound" to what? Bound to another's heart? Bound as in being tied up so as to create suffering? I choose to believe it means the latter. In keeping your heart clear, this could mean clear of lies and negative emotions. Once your heart is clear of these things, it becomes transparent and you have nothing to hide from anyone and most of all, yourself. So in essence, keep your heart clear of negativity and you will always be free.

This is so true, isn't it? How often I can remember feeling as if I were being drug down into the Earth because of guilt or other various burdens I carried with me. Flying was just not a possibility and neither was happiness, as happiness goes hand-in-hand with freedom. How do you get rid of the burdens that weigh and tie you down? You forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive the people and life situations that you have been carrying around. All you have to do is stop for a moment and lift the burden off your back. Really, you don't even have to bury it... just keep walking the path after you have left your past on the roadside.

A Dull Pain

I woke up without heartache this morning and it feels so wonderful. My mind keeps "testing" my heart by sending it little messages... "I wonder what he was wearing on their date," etc. The sharp pain isn't so sharp anymore and that's a step in the right direction. I really do think that I'll be able to let it all go and actually feel great about it by the end of the week. After all, I had been wanting to end the relationship for awhile and maybe it was only once I realized that the door wasn't open anymore that it started to sink in what had happened. I seem to get over breakups pretty fast and am known for moving on much too quickly. This is because it's almost as if I don't realize what's going on and don't want to accept the breakup, I just physically carry out the motions when I feel it has to be done. This too shall pass.

Weasel and Dolphin have come to me this morning, both grinning happily. Weasel is one of my nine totem animals and it is he who guides me down the path to my truths and goals. He knows much and shares it with me as accurately and honestly as any weasel can. He says to keep a keen eye on the world around me so as not to let confusion set it.. which can eventually turn into paranoia. I will remain aware today and not get caught up in any sort of lie which may come creeping in.

Dolphin tells me to breathe deeply and enjoy the beauty of the reefs. She knows how much stress I have been under for so long and recommends the medicine of breathing, changing the rhythm and connecting to the Earth and everyone on it. Relax!

Yes, relax. Relax but do not fall asleep--keep an open eye, like weasel.

Weekly Wheel of Fortune 1

I would normally like to do this on Sunday nights but Monday mornings will work just as well. All I've done is take 8 cards, one to signify the overall mood of the week and 7 more to represent each day. The spread looks something like this:

-------7-------
-6-----------1-
-------S -------
-5-----------2-
-----4---3 -----


S: X Wheel of Fortune
The Wheel suggests that I will be approaching the end of a problem this week and that it will be quite inevitable. The clearest problem I have now is not being able to let a lost love go and perhaps I will be able to do that within the week.

Monday: Five of Cups
Today I will be experiencing a partial loss and feeling regret. The Five of Cups is telling me that there is an incomplete union or partnership still floating around, which would be the one side of the relationship that I am stubbornly not letting go of. However, looking back at the Wheel, I will let go this week. The Five of Cups also prompts on the return of an old friend and this morning I received an e-mail from just such an old friend.

Tuesday: IV The Emperor
The Emperor signifies a male influence, possibly my brother as he is now home from college. The reverse of the Emperor says that there will be failure in controlling petty emotions, which I take to mean the emotions that I have for the current situation with my ex-lover. I should be very aware of any jealousy that might come creeping in tomorrow and somehow find a way to control it.

Wednesday: XVIII The Moon
I have planned a casual date with a new friend of mine for this day. The Moon is warning me of his possible ulterior motives and that I may be taken advantage of. I am luckily already aware of his plans but find myself giving into the temptation. He is gentle with his words but will not be so gentle with my heart. I should either reconsider the meeting or take it with a grain of salt.

Thursday: 0 The Fool
The Fool is one of thoughtlessness and folly. He is insecure and makes the worst decisions. I must be careful to steer clear of anyone who fits this description or make extra sure that my emotions and my choices are under sane control on Thursday.

Friday: King of Swords
The King of Swords represents a responsible, professional, experienced, controlled, and authoritative person. They have many thoughts, ideas, and designs. He or she may come to me on Friday and I should open up to their analytical creativity, I may learn something.

Saturday: Queen of Cups
The Queen of Cups sounds much like my mother, beloved, warm-hearted, fair and practical. Saturday will be another day to open up to either her or someone like her. If at all possible, I should spend as much of the day with her.

Sunday: Queen of Pentacles
The Queen of Pentacles represents generosity, security, grace, and dignity. I believe that by the end of this week, I will acquire the Queen's traits and put them to use in my current love situation, as is told by the Wheel of Fortune. I feel an over-whelming sense of peace and feel that I will be able to make it through this week with a smile on my face at the end.